The Liberating Power of Accountability: Reclaiming Peace Without Needing to Be Understood

There comes a moment in every person's journey when the desire to be understood becomes quieter than the desire to be at peace.

We all have our stories. Stories where we’ve been hurt, wronged, betrayed, or silenced. Stories in which others have played the role of the aggressor, and we, wounded, confused, and aching became the collateral damage of someone else’s unresolved pain or misdirected sense of righteousness. And yet… as healing as it is to name the pain, true liberation asks us to go further.

It asks us to take radical accountability for the role we played, not to dismiss what happened, not to excuse harmful behaviour, not to shoulder blame that isn’t ours, but to reclaim the power we unknowingly gave away when we waited for someone else to validate our experience.

It’s an uncomfortable truth, but a sacred one: you can be the one who was hurt, and still have participated in the dynamic.

That participation may have looked like ignoring your own intuition. Like people-pleasing in order to feel safe. Like silencing your needs so someone else could feel comfortable. Like staying silent in the face of harm because you didn’t yet know how to honour your truth without fear of rejection.

This is not about self-blame. It’s about self-honesty. The kind of honesty that sets you free.

Why Most People Aren’t Villains They’re Just Trying to Feel Okay

We live in a world that’s quick to villainize. It’s easier that way. It helps us make sense of our pain when we label someone “toxic,” “manipulative,” or “evil.” But if we zoom out, far out, we start to see a more sobering, nuanced reality.

Most people aren’t acting from malice. They’re acting from a desire to feel comfortable. Safe. In control. Justified. Right.

They are doing what they believe will preserve their self-image, soothe their nervous system, or validate their sense of identity, even if it harms someone else in the process. This doesn’t make their actions okay. But it makes them human.

Even history’s darkest figures believed they were serving some version of “the greater good.” As twisted and devastating as their actions were, they likely justified them through a lens they believed was correct. It doesn’t excuse anything. But it reminds us that perspective shapes behaviour more than morality does.

And when we understand this, we stop personalising every wound. We start seeing clearly: This wasn’t about me. This was about what they were trying to protect within themselves.

Acknowledging the Pain Threatens their Story

Here’s the part that stings the most.

When you find the courage to speak your truth, when you express how someone’s behaviour impacted your well-being, don’t be surprised if you’re met with defensiveness, gaslighting, or blame.

Why?

Because the moment you mirror someone’s impact back to them, you’re threatening the story they need to tell themselves to avoid their own shame and shame is one of the most unbearable emotions for the unhealed ego to face.

So instead of owning their actions, they deflect. They turn the mirror on you. They rewrite the narrative to make you the problem.

This can leave you feeling more alone than ever. Misunderstood. Unseen. Ashamed for speaking up. Angry for being dismissed. Guilty for daring to hold someone accountable.

But let me say this clearly: How you feel is valid. What happened to you matters. And your truth does not need someone else’s agreement to be real.

They Can Only Meet You Where They've Met Themselves

There is a spiritual law we must learn if we are to find peace: An individual can only ever meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.

No matter how eloquently you express your pain…
No matter how much you crave acknowledgement…
No matter how hard you try to “make them see”…

They will only be capable of understanding you to the depth they’ve dared to understand themselves and that has nothing to do with your worthiness, your lovability, or your importance.

It has everything to do with their internal landscape, their emotional vocabulary, their capacity for reflection, their relationship with truth. Some people simply don’t possess the inner tools required to see you. Others don’t want to. There is deep peace in accepting this.

The Practice of Personal Accountability

So what do you do? If the only thing you can control is how you respond.

You stop waiting for them to get it.

You stop performing for understanding.

You stop needing your pain to be validated by the very person who caused it.

Instead, you come home to your truth. You own your part, not out of guilt, but out of integrity.

You ask:

Where did I abandon myself?

What was I afraid to say?

What red flags did I override in the name of connection?

Where did I participate in the illusion because I feared being alone?

And then, with compassion, you meet yourself in those places. You forgive the version of you who didn’t yet know better. You take responsibility for your healing, your boundaries, and your forward movement.

You learn to coexist with the truth that your experience was real… and they may never admit it.

When Two Truths Exist

One of the most spiritually mature things you can do is accept that more than one truth can exist at once.

You can be hurt.
They can be unaware.
You can be right about how it impacted you.
They can be convinced they did nothing wrong because at the end of the day there is no right or wrong only differing perspectives of messy humans.

Their truth is theirs and your truth is yours.. You are allowed to honour yours while simultaneously acknowledging theirs.

They may never see the damage. But you are allowed to see it and choose not to stay there anymore.

Meet Them Where They Are. Protect What’s Sacred Within You.

Acceptance doesn’t mean approval. Forgiveness doesn’t mean access. Understanding doesn’t mean reunion.

You are allowed to meet people where they are and choose not to carry the weight of their limitations anymore. You are allowed to say: I see you. I get why you did what you did. But I will no longer abandon myself to make you feel comfortable. Set the boundary, walk the path, live your truth and let them stay where they’ve chosen to stop growing.

The greatest act of power is to no longer need your pain to be seen… in order for it to be healed. You saw it. You felt it. You know what it did to you and now you’re choosing peace. That’s the kind of freedom no one can take from you.